nine cigarettes
(story by drew golden from the capitol gay podcast)
I am sitting in my chair next to the bed, looking at where I should be sleeping. I pull a Marlboro out of the half smoked pack of cigarettes, and light one, blowing the first drag out slowly. I look at the clock, it is now 2:57 in the morning. I move my eyes to Chris laying there sleeping contently dreaming dreams which I am unaware of. I take another drag off my cigarette. Looking at him laying there, I realize why I love him, he looks as if a fallen angel as he sleeps. He doesn’t realize that I am sitting here smoking and watching him, contemplating many things which will change the course of our lives. He shifts and moves, as if calling me back to bed now, yet I know he is not awake. I put out my cigarette, grab another, light it, and continue thinking.
It’s a cold December day, as I lay in bed, wondering to myself if I will ever find true happiness. I have been interested in this one guy now for weeks. I finally get the nerve to call him, I dial the numbers on my cell phone as if I was calling my mother, slowly and with punctuality. Suddenly, the phone is ringing.
“Hello”
“Hey is this Chris?”
“Yeah”
“Hey it’s Mike, what’s up? What do you have going on tonight?”
“Nothing, I am sitting here drinking bored out of my mind. What about you?”
“Nothing at all”
“Want to come over and chill?”
“I don’t know, do you think that would be cool”
“Yeah I really want to meet you!”
“Ok, I’ll need some directions”
“Not a problem”
He gave me the directions, and I told him that I would be there soon. I get into my car, and start driving on I-87 North to his house. The entire way I keep thinking to myself how good of a sign that this is. I pull into his driveway, and call him.
“Hello”
“Hey, I’m here”
“I will be right down to bring you in”
“Ok, see you soon”
Moments later, he was outside. I could not see his face, nor any part of the front of him. He was about 5'4", I could see the spikes of his hair, the piercings hanging from his ears, and I could see the slim outline of his body as a shadow with light behind it.
I turn off my car, as the song “Desperado” ends. I get out of the car. The cold December wind throws another punch at me. I tighten up my black trench coat jacket, and start walking towards him. His face still unclear to me as I approach him. He is now walking towards me at the same pace that I am walking towards him. As we get close enough, he opens his arms, I open my arms, and we fall into a warm embrace, his hair brushing up against my cheek. He whispers into my ear “You are more beautiful than I could have ever imagined”. For the first time, I can see his face, and I realize how badly I want to be with him. I can’t help feeling that possibly the song playing in my car as I turned it off has made me want to be with him even more.
We end up inside his house sitting on his couch drinking and talking. We talk about our past, where we want to go with life, what we want in a partner, anything and everything. I was now on my fourth screwdriver, and I’m starting to feel it. I wanted to avoid getting drunk around him because I feared that I would say something that would offend him. Seeing that my glass was getting empty he asked if I wanted another, I said yes. As he moved to the kitchen to make another, I couldn’t help but realize how much I admired his body. I light up another cigarette as he mixes the drink, and think to myself. He comes back with the next round of drinks. He sits next to me, and cuddles close to me. In a moment his lips are searching for mine.
I light up another cigarette, the time is now 3:15 in the morning. He is still sleeping like an angel in bed. I am still sitting in my chair looking at him.
We are sitting on a couch, watching our favorite movie, Interview With a Vampire. It is just him and I in the house, we are cuddling on the couch, hidden beneath a blanket which my great grandmother made for me when I was ten. The movie is about half way over, he looks up into my eyes, his eyes dark like night.
“I love you Mike”
“What”
“I am in love with you Mike”
“I think I am in love with you too”, a nervous tone in my voice at hearing myself saying what I knew I was feeling, just afraid to admit it.
“No, I know I am in love with you too”
Could this be, I asked myself. We have only been together three months and I am already completely in love with him. His eyes are still piercing deeply into my soul, as if peering into an open door.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure”
“What do you think about people getting married at a young age?”
“What do you mean”
“Like people our age”
“It depends on the relationship”
“Can you see yourself with me the rest of your life”
“I can see myself being with you for eternity”
“Mike will you marry me?”
“I wouldn’t miss out on us for the world”
“I love you so much”
“I love you so much too baby”
I light another cigarette, as a tear falls down my cheek, and across my lips. The bittersweet taste, reminds me of so much, yet reminds me of so little. I look at the clock 3:27 now. He has not stirred from slumber, and has moved my pillow to cuddle with it as if it were me laying next to him. There is no light on his face now, only shadow. He has moved positions since the last time I really looked at him.
“What the hell do you mean the check bounced?”
“The check to the landlords bounced Chris.”
“How did that happen?”
“You used the debit card”
“I had to pay the phone bill”
“You should have asked”
“I didn’t think that I had to ask to use OUR money!”
“Well you should have”
“What the fuck ever Mike”
He stormed out of the room. I could see his point, but had he seen mine? I am so mad, that I hit the refrigerator as hard as I can with my fist. The thud of my fist on the pale yellow door, reverberated throughout the house. Pain now shooting through my hand, I look down at my fist and see that I had broken my knuckle. I light up a cigarette and ponder if I am really this mad, before I have time to answer myself, the silence of a moment is shattered.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was mad and rather than argue with you, I took it out on something I couldn’t hurt”
“What the hell are you holding your hand like that for?”
“I think I broke my knuckle”
Instantly, his black as coal eyes, widened and lightened. He crossed the room and opened the freezer, he starts chuckling to himself. Filling a Ziploc bag with ice, he came over and delicately took my injured hand into his.
“Hold this here, while I grab our jackets”
“Why?”
“Because Love, you need to go to the ER.”
I light up another cigarette, not realizing that I have just finished one. I shift myself in the chair, looking at him again, half of his face is drowned in the candlelight from the candle that I have just lit, while the other half I can not see. He is covered completely in his blankets, and the only thing that I can think of is that he is an iceberg on the open sea, with just the tip revealed. I look at the clock, 3:42 now.
It’s our second anniversary, we are having dinner at Chris’s parent’s house. I really hate coming here, all that I ever hear is how we are evil and going to go to Hell because we love each other. I am starting to feel the strain that they are causing on us and our relationship. They are accepting and hateful all in the same sentence. We finish up social hour and get into the car.
“Why were you so quiet tonight Mike?”
“You know how your parents hate me hun.”
“They don’t hate you”
“Bullshit, don’t tell me that, you and I both know that they don’t want us together”
“What do you mean”
“You remember how they reacted to the news”
“Yeah I guess your right”
I start up the engine to the car, the song “Kissing You” begins to play on the CD player, as if meant to be.
“Ever feel like we’re slipping apart?”
“Yeah whenever we are with your family”
“Don’t insult my family”
“Why you just did?”
“Don’t give me that”
“Pot callin the kettle black don’t you think?”
“Why do we always fight after we go to my parents”
“Because they bring us to it”
“Whatever”
“Whatever”
I throw my cigarette out of the window, and light another. The rest of the ride is silence, not until we get home and cuddled in bed does he speak to me. “I’m sorry, I love you so much. You know that right?” I meet him with silence, roll to my side, and he cuddles up behind me knowing that he has been defeated in this argument.
I light up a cigarette, shifting my view from the clock back to him. Its getting cold in here, I get up out of the chair for the first time all night, and go over to the thermostat. Sixty-Eight Degrees, which is what it has been set at all night, I click it up to seventy-four, and to back to the bedroom. He hasn’t shifted in a while. The candle light begins to flicker. The clock reads 3:59 now.
I am having coffee with my best friend Amanda. She takes a sip and looks at me across the table in the coffee house. He’s cheating on you, you know, she said almost as if it didn’t matter. I was silent, looking down at my coffee. She continues, Alan your best friend, I told you that you can’t trust old men. He’s been getting him while you are working. I look up at her, feeling like I am ready to scream, cry, and remain calm all at the same time. I work up the nerve to respond to her not knowing how things would go.
“I know he is, I just don’t know what to do, I love him to death”
“You should dump his ass before you get hurt”
“I love him too much”
“You don’t love yourself”
“I love him and myself, I love everything that we are”
“I know you do, but you have to protect yourself”
“What do you know about protecting yourself? All you do is get a man, have sex with him, dump him and move on to the next.”
“I know what I want”
“Do you?”
“Yes, I want you to be safe, I don’t want to see you go through another Scott”
“I will make my own decisions”
“I know, you always listen to your heart, but don’t you think that it could be wrong for once”
“My heart is never wrong”
“Have it your way”
“I will have it my way, and there is nothing that you can do to sway me on this”
“I know, your stubborn just like your mother”
“Why did you have to bring her into this”
“No reason, I said all that I have to say. Besides all you two do lately is fight, I don’t think that you love him anymore”
“Yes I love him”
“Whatever makes you sleep at night”
She gets up from her chair, and goes for the door, turns to me and glares. I got our coffee today, she snaps at me, as she throws me a five dollar bill.
I look at my half smoked cigarette, he has now rolled over in bed, his back turned to me. The clock now reads 4:08. I grab the ashtray from the desk, and put out my cigarette without finishing it. I look at the empty place in bed where I should be. The song “Hurt” comes on in the background. My head is spinning as I get out of the chair. I look at my pack of Marlboro cigarettes sitting on the desk, there is one left, my lucky. I reach into my pocket and grab out my new pack of Kamel Reds. I open the pack, grab my Zippo, and light one from the new pack, leaving the Marlboro on the desk.
posted by kurama minamino @ 12:14 PM
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